FUN PAGE

Patrick & Michel was siting in a pub,

Patrick says to Michel: Michel will ya do me a favor when me die?

Michel: I Patrick, You’re me bestest friend, ya name it and it’ll be done.

Patrick: Michel will ya buy a bottle of the best scotch and pour it over me grave?

Michel: I Patrick I’ll do it for ya, but do ya mind if I pass it though me kidney first?

1 Top 50 Oxymorons 50. Act naturally 49. Found missing 48. Resident alien 47. Advanced BASIC 46. Genuine imitation 45. Airline food 44. Good grief 43. Same difference 42 Almost exactly 41. Government organization 40. Sanitary landfill 39. Alone together 38. Legally drunk 37. Silent scream 36. British fashion 35. Living dead 34. Small crowd 33. Business ethics 32. Soft rock 31. Butt head 30. Military intelligence 29. Software documentation 28. New York culture 27. Extinct life 26. Sweet sorrow 25. Childproof 24. "Now, then..." 23. Synthetic natural gas 22. Christian scientists 21. Passive aggression 20. Taped live 19. Clearly misunderstood 18. Peace force 17. New classic 16. Temporary tax increase 15. French bravery 14. Plastic glasses 13. Terribly pleased 12. Computer security 11. Political science 10. Tight slacks 9. Definite maybe 8. Pretty ugly 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake 6. Diet ice cream 5. Rap music 4. Working vacation 3. Exact estimate 2. Religious tolerance And the NUMBER ONE top OXY-Moron 1. Microsoft Works

2 Only in America would you see a true story like this one: A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... fire. After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay. After the man accepted payment for his claim, the insurance company then had the man arrested ..... for arson.

3 The following is an actual transcript of a US Navy radio conversation reluctantly released by the Chief of Naval Operations in the fall of 1995. "Naval Tactics" TRANSMISSION: Please divert your course 15 degrees north to avoid a collision. RESPONSE: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees south to avoid a collision. TRANSMISSION: This is the Captain of a US Naval ship. I say again divert your course. RESPONSE: NO! I say again, divert YOUR course. TRANSMISSION: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!!! RESPONSE: This is a lighthouse........Your call.

4 No, You Can't Talk To My Mommie.... The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?". Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?". 'Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?", the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No. ". Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there" "Yes. ", came the answer. "May I talk with her?". Again the small voice whispered, "No.". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?". "No, he is busy,", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?", asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman. ", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" " A hello-copper. ", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!". Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?". Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They are looking for me!".

5 If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Why is the word abbreviation so long? If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? Is it possible to be totally partial? What's another word for thesaurus? When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? Why do they call it a TV "set" when you only get one? Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seals instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever slicks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? You know how most packages say "Open Here"? What is the protocol if the package says, "Open Somewhere Else"? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box :hat is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the substance? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Have a good one!

6 Actual dialog of a fired WordPerfect Customer Support employee: ---------------------- "Hello, How may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.", "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" ........."Yes, I think so." "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ........."Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." ........."Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" > "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

TRIVIA

7 1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "goodnight, sleep tight" came from. 2. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. (developed by Western Union to test telex/twx communications) 3. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. 4. When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror. 5. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. 6. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target,it got "the whole 9 yards." 7. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. 8. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P. 9. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. 10. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. 11. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver." 12. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. 13. In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license. 14. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. 15. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. 16. There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun. 17. The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1. 18. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. 19. When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year. 20. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka. 21. On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year. 22. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. 23. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon." 24. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's." 25. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice. 26. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. 27. Coca-Cola was originally green. 28. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. 29. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs. 30. Smartest dogs: 1) Scottish border collie; 2) Poodle; 3) Golden retriever. Dumbest: Afghan hound. 31. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. 32. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better. 33. Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000 34. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong 35. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska 36. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% 37. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% 38. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33 39. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7 40. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80% 41. Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man: 50% 42. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 43. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000. 44. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland/Disney World: 70% 45. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. 46. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for Profiles in Courage 47. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. 48. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. 49. The youngest pope was 11 years old. 50. Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation. 51. First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. 52. In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not renumber the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1. 53. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments 54. Hang On Snoopy is the official rock song of Ohio. 55. Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ? 56. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. 57. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar. 58. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 59. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. 60. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them would burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired." 61. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. 62. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. 63. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. 64. the phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. 65. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. 66. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. 67. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. 68. The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites. 69. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. 70. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. 71. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl. 72. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game. 73. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." 74. How about this.... The nursery rhyme Ring Around the Rosey is a rhyme about the plague Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring around the rosey..."), these sores would smell very badly so common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the sores ("...a pocket full of posies..."), People who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ("...ashes, ashes, we all fall down!")

8 1. In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers. 2. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during W.W.I. 3. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded. 4. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles. 5. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it. (Who studied this and why?) 6. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather. 7. An average person laughs about 15 times a day. 8. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas. 9. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air. 10. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night. 11. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h. 12. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500's. 13. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C. 14. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. 15. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is. 16. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. 17. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year. 18. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan. 19. Every person has a unique tongue print. 20. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does. 21. Women's hearts beat faster than men's. 22. Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets. 23. Bubble gum contains rubber. 24. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog. 25. Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star. 26. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello. 27. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks. 28. Most American car horns honk in the key of F. 29. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people. 30. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head. 31. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills. 32. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana. 33. About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. 34. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas. 35. Some toothpaste's contain antifreeze. 36. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns. 37. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991. And, rightfully so. 38. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific. 39. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones. 40. Most lipstick contains fish scales. 41. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992. 42. Mosquitoes have teeth. 43. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray. 44. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego. 45. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley. 46. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food. 47. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music. 48. 27 percent of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell." 49. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die. 50. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement." 51. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. (Hence, the light bulb?) 52. "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.

How Dumb Are You?

Go here to find out

                  more

Back